It started on a Monday. Not just any Monday either. It was THAT Monday. Admit it we have all had them. Days where nothing can go right. This was it.
I hadn't felt him much. Why wasn't he moving. Just give me a sign kid. Let me know you are o.k. Darn that silly home monitor that let me hear the major decelerations he was having. Darn it all.
I got in my car. I felt so alone. So afraid. I knew what was going to happen. I ran the checklist in my head. The house was clean. The kids were cared for. The husband was at work. I had everything in order. Ok I was freaking out.....in case you didn't get that! Totally. 100%. FREAKING. OUT!
Do you ever notice that when you are freaking out there is absolutely nothing playing on the radio to comfort you in that moment. Yep, happens to me all the time! Off. Just shut it off! I decided I would gamble and see what kind of music surprise was in the CD player. You never know around here.....it could be just about anything from Veggie Tales to Def Leopard. Lucky for me.....it was neither!
The Lord was watching out for me that day. He was talking to me. I just didn't listen. I was too freaked out to listen. But, I left it playing anyway. Subconsciously I think my brain got the message....my head just didn't engage. Is that possible. You know, to get it and really not get it??? I sang the lyrics to the song. I replayed it over and over. Maybe like you know, 10 times or more. Hey, it's a long ride from Castle Rock to Littleton.
I don't listen to that disk too often anymore. But I pull it out when I am feeling sentimental and let's face it......August is a month for being sentimental in this house. This August, the one we are currently in, it's different though. It's been hard, in a good way. Lots of Good Byes and a few hellos too! So I pulled it out. And there is was....screaming my name again. That song!
Ever Walk With Me Lord
Music and Lyrics by Peter Mayer
Ever walk with me Lord
Each night and day a rejoicing
With kindness the harmony, justice the beat
You've turned my footsteps to dancing
Oh Ever walk with me Lord
How can I come before You?
What worthy gift could I bring?
What glorious feast could I offer?
What songs of majesty sing?
Lift this heart of sadness into gladness by Your peace
Before I can come before You, You come to me
In my work I grow weary
Lost on this road of desires
Where is the path that leads homeward?
To bring me back to Your fire
Lift these eyes of sadness into gladness at Your peace
I am lost and weary, come shepherd me
A million voices surround me
How can I hear when You call?
When at last grace has found me Will I recognize it at all?
Lift this song of sadness into gladness at Your feast
To hear Your voice is calling, come walk with me
So that Monday......I got a room that day! A nice BIG room. I was going to be there a while. They told me so. I believed them. Each day that went on I believed them more. Then it happened. Four days later to be exact. On a holiday weekend. He was coming. There was no choice. You might wonder what was going through my head in that moment. A lot. and a little. All at the same time. I felt overwhelmed. I felt a peace.
Within 2 hours we were in the delivery room. Surrounded by at least 1000 people......our son was born. He was small. He was VERY small. He was early. VERY early. 16 weeks early to be exact. I didn't hear him cry. I saw him. He was quiet. He was helpless. He was SMALL. I cried. I PRAYED. Dear God don't take this child from me. Take me Lord. Take me! He cored on the table 3 times. They had a hard time getting an ET tube in him. He was SMALL. The tubes weren't even that small. Don't take him God. Please don't take my baby. He was breathing. My baby was breathing. Thank you God! Thank you for answering that prayer for me. I'm listening Lord, I'm listening.
I don't remember much more about that day. But I do remember when I was walking into the delivery room to be prepped for surgery.....My God was there with me! He was walking with me! He was holding my hand! He gave me that peace! That PEACE that surpasses all understanding!
What an incredible journey of FAITH the past 3 years have been. What a joy to celebrate the wonderful LIFE that God has created. Both for our Gavin and for us! How truly blessed are we. So as the summer draws to a close so also does another chapter in this walk of FAITH.
This August has been a hard month of Good Byes! Gavin has graduated from all home services that he has received since being discharged from the hospital. It has been hard to see them go. But, with God as their guide....they have given my baby boy his wings. Now he must fly!
It's always so hard to say good bye! There were many tears shed. On both sides. But this boy.....he is going to take those wings and he is going to FLY high! And to you....Miss Beth and Miss Jen.....Thank you so much for all that you have given to us! You were an integral part of this amazing journey of FAITH that we are on. You have shown our little boy how to gain his independence. You have laughed with us. You have cried with us. We will miss you! But this is not good bye......it is until we meet again!
And so, Gavin took those wings and he hitched them up.......and our once 1lb baby boy ran off to the start of Preschool this week. With a tear......or two or three.....in our eyes we watched him smile with glee as he entered that room! He gets this journey our God has set in motion for him. Our God has BIG plans for our SMALL kid. And I am so very thankful that he has chosen me to be his mother. To watch it all play out. To watch him soar on those wings. To run and not be weary. To walk and not be faint. To taste and SEE the goodness of God! Man, how blessed am I. That my God chose me for this job! Amazing. Simply Amazing!
And so this week, we begin a new chapter in our journey of FAITH! This one is a LEAP of faith. The moment when you place your child into someone else's care and you trust GOD to do the rest! We are ready to meet the challenges that lie ahead......we are ready for the CALL!!
Peace and Love-
Colin, Juanita, Ian, Brooke and Gavin