Be still and know that I am God
It took a few months but I have finally immersed myself in a book that was recommended to me when I was on bedrest. The book is entitled "90 Minutes in Heaven" I have hesitated to read it up until this point because of my fears surrounding Gavin and his condition and the fact that the book speaks so realistically about death. Last weekend I decided it would be safe to get a start and also a good time for me to have a few moments to myself each day. Each day I take my book with me and I read before I hold Gavin. I am able to get in a few chapters daily and also take in the glory of my son and his well being. Yesterday I sat down as usual and began to read, picking up where I had left off the day before. I finished a short amount of the chapter I had left and began another. Each chapter begins with a Bible verse fitting for the chapter. I was particularily struck by the verse with this chapter. "Be still and know that I am God" What a short and to the point, yet powerful verse. Gavin was resting comfortably while I read so I continued on my reading journey. After a period of time his nurse and I decided we would get Gavin out to play.
Gavin and I had situated ourselves in the recliner as we always do. Many days we have spent napping together and it is just a great time of peace and solitude for the both of us. He cuddles up and sleeps and I get a stiff neck and sleep. It works out well for both of us.....well except for the stiff neck part. Yesterday we were resting comfortably so much so that Gavin's pulse ox was high as it normally is when he is being held. His nurse walked to the bedspace just next door to monitor a bath. Gavin and I were comfortable. We were at peace. It is in these quiet moments that I am able to "be still and know that he is God" I am quite successful in being still when I am at peace. After a good period of time of comfort for Gavin his oxygen sats began to drop. Nothing uncommon for a preemie with an underdeveloped neurological system. These apneas are quite common. It was in that moment of stillness that Gavin decided he would take a rest from breathing. He stopped breathing and his alarms went off. In a moments notice the stillness was gone and the bedside was filled with medical personal hovering over our son encouraging him to breath. They had to use the oxygen bag on him and breath for him for several moments. They massaged his head, thumped his feet and tried to stimulate him any way they knew how. I stood there watching in sheer horror. In this moment the verse came to me....."Be still and know that I am God." How can one be still when you are in a situation like this. I ran the verse through my head and then I heard him cry. Once again I was reminded that the Lord is in control here and I need to indeed be still.
As for Gavin, he has had a wonderful day today. Quite a difference from yesterday. His oxygen sats have maintained nicely in the 90's today with very few bradys and apnea spells. As a precaution they have started Gavin on a few antibiotics to ward of a possible infection if one should crop up. They have been monitoring his blood daily and thus far all seems to be well. Often times apnea spells can be related to infection so they do not want to take any chances.
He continues to eat 20ml over 1.5 hours. We are getting closer to the bolice feeding of 30 minutes. In the next couple of days they will try Gavin on nipple feeding. They will not do his entire feed this way but will allow him the chance to try it and see what he does. Most likely he will take maybe 5ml by nipple and the rest will still be via the gavage tube. He is gaining weight and finally broke the 1 kilo mark today. The staff brought in brownies and cake to celebrate Gavin's 1 kilo day. Vicky, Gavin's NNP, measured out a rubber maid tub of M&M's to Gavin's weight for the kids. This was exciting for them because they could grasp just how much Gavin weighs and the bonus is that they get to eat the candy too. Gavin weighed in tonight at 2lb 4oz.
They are giving Gavin Xopanex to help with his lungs and RAD. Both of the other kiddos have had RAD and we are very familiar with Xopanex, Albuteral, Atrovent, and pulmacort. His lungs appear to be moving air much better since the addition of this to his regimen. This is common for preemies born as early as Gavin.
We are going to be starting Gavin's room this weekend. We ordered the wood for the wall to make our log cabin look. We will be painting the other walls in tan and blue with a mountain scene.....all this possible with the help of a close friend who absolutely does the best painting ever. Gavin's room will be adorable when it is complete.....be on the lookout for pictures of the finished product.
We are doing well as a family. Colin continues to shine through and be my rock when I am weak. He was there yesterday to be my support after Gavin's scary episode. He continues to amaze me daily with his strength. I am amazed by God's grace in action in our marriage and our family. He has drawn us to each other and allowed us to see the beauty of each other in good times and in bad. The kids are doing well. We are preparing for Halloween this next week. Brooke is excited to be Gabriella and wear her dress and Ian is psyched up about being Obi Wan. He has his beard and she has her hair color so both are pretty excited about the extras that go with their costumes. The kids have a carnival at Ian's school tomorrow night which I am sure will be a blast for them. We will be carving the ceremonial pumpkins on Monday or Tuesday I am sure.
I hope this update finds each and every one of you well. Please continue to keep us in your daily prayers. In times when you are troubled pause for a moment and remember to "be still and know that he is God" Cast your burdens on him and he will carry you through.
I will update tomorrow with some new pictures......until then....